Arrrggg ...

I apologize for the long delay since my last blog, but it took me forever to get Ringo’s paw prints to get off the keyboard! Now that I have that cleaned up, let me preface this with the fact that I know this is another “list” blog, but I feel obligated to express these feelings before they eat me up inside! Now, I also realize more important (and perhaps more interesting) things are probably going on in our fair city, but hopefully the masses can identify with my point.

So what is my point exactly? My point is that drivers in San Antonio are HORRENDOUS! Having to drive 30 miles (each way!) to work every day for the past 10 year, I have run into more than my share of careless (if not imbecilic) drivers. Fortunately, thus far, I have been able to escape unscathed, but I have certainly had some close calls. What I would like to do here is to edify you dear readers by illustrating some of the threats you too may encounter:

The Drifter – If you are out on the San Antonio streets, drink coffee, lots and lots of coffee … cause you are sure as heck gonna need your reflexes at their apex to avoid these menaces. You may be driving along, just minding your own business when suddenly you notice the car right in front of you, but formerly in the other lane, has begun to inexplicably drift into your lane, no signal, and for no identifiable reason. If you are lucky enough to encounter the least egregious of these hazards, they may turn out to be no more than a nuisance because they tend to self-correct; but watch out, the more perilous versions may end up causing you to conduct an unplanned experiment on how well your car was designed to jump concrete medians.

The Crawler – One of the most personally irritating motorists I have encountered, and all too frequently at that. Now, I know when the weather is less than beautiful, I can expect most vehicular operators to perform at less than peak efficiency, but sometimes, I am tempted to pull my car over, get out, run up to the car in front of me and politely yell: “COMEON! MOVE IT!” You are likely to encounter this sort of exasperating individual if you see any of the following: an out of state license plate, a driver who watches the road from between the steering wheel and the dashboard, an ocean of gray (which just turns out to be the hair of the occupants in the vehicle ahead of you), or last but not least: any in-window sticker.

The Frady-Cat – Some of you readers may actually identify with this description, and you DEFINITELY know who you are. A close relative of The Crawler, the Frady-Cat can be even more insidious. At first blush, these troublemakers might appear to have a modicum of driving aptitude; but, at the first sign of stress (e.g., changing lanes, encountering an interchange, a single drop of rain), these anxious-Annies seem to lose their faculties, and often engage in any variety of offensive driving practices. Just be sure to give them plenty of space, and you should survive – the real problem is recognizing them before any real trouble ensues.

The Maniac – These guys that firmly believe that under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

The Caller – Want to lower the IQ of any San Antonio driver by 50%? Hand them a cell phone while they are driving! These fools think they should concentrate on their oh-so-important call rather than what they should be concentrating on, DRIVING! And it doesn’t get any better at red lights, unless you like sitting through green lights while waiting for these buffoons to realize the light has changed. Don’t bother honking, they won’t hear you anyway.

The Anticipator – You gotta love these guys! Green lights ahead, you are cruising along at a nice clip, when suddenly the maroon in front of you feels obliged to test his breaks. You think to yourself, “Wow, I guess the light is turning red.” To your dismay, NOPE!!! The light is still the only shade of green it ever turns, but the smarty-pants in front of you seems to have some cosmic connection with the light bulbs because he can obviously tell the light is just about to turn yellow, and suddenly red, so he is slowing down now. Unfortunately for you, this often results in the putz making the light, and you having to stop since you had to prematurely break to avoid tasting what this dufuss had for dinner, via his tailpipe.

The Guess Where I am Going – Put simply, these jokers think turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them. They are often seen tossing bio-terrorism bombs (some refer to them as cigarette butts) out their windows as well.

The Hanger – Does your car have a blind-spot? If so, these jackasses will make every effort to reside there until you need to move. Then, as if it were your fault, they suddenly find a penchant for blowing their horns and gleefully letting you know they think you are #1 by gesturing with that one particular finger. Other Hangers like to ride beside you, just like they were a passenger in your car, especially when you are not-so-comfortably wedged between them and some sort of construction barrier. To all those guilty of this offensive behavior, take some advice: speed up, or slow down, it is not that hard!!!

I am not sure how many of you all are aware, but the National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" In Texas however, the results were quite different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"