YOUR TAX MONEY AT WORK

Hello faithful readers. I know, it has been WAY too long since my last inscription, and for that I apologize. I hope you find the following entertaining, if not worthy of writing your Congressman, or other elected official …

It was a lovely Wednesday morning, just about 8:50AM (0850 for you military types). I was standing outside of the main recruitment building at Randolph AFB with approximately 300 of my closest civilian friends. We were all anxiously awaiting the arrival of our professionally operated limousine … well, by limo I am actually referring to a bus. Anyway … why were we all standing outside? Well, to attend our MANDATED annual Sexual Assault Awareness class of course (because if the course were not annual, we would all forget about sexual assault!)!

My first impression was that I was quite an unfortunate sole because I was almost at the back of the ever-growing line. A few of my closer compadres and I watched impatiently as the first limo, err, bus filled with coworkers and proceeded off to the glorious event without incident. Ha, those suckers! Sure, they made it to the lecture on time; they got good seats to the PowerPoint (PowerPoint and all references to such are copywrited trademarks of the Microsoft Corporation and its subsidiaries – sorry, Bill Gates made me add this) presentation; they were able to view the “dancing girls” in the comfort of their own seats; they got to leave on-time; blah … blah … blah. What they did NOT get to see was the hilarity that ensued shortly after their departure!

“Who were these dancing girls you speak of?” you might be asking yourself at this point. Never fear dear reader, I will get to them soon enough!

So, I digress. Back to the moment at hand … so, we (about 240 of us at this point) have been standing outside for about 5 minutes, on a nice (but crisp) spring morning, patiently awaiting our own luxurious transportation when we see the next limo pulling up. To our dismay, the driver apparently had only been on the job for 1-day (or, alternatively, had been drinking excessively the night before or the morning of?). Why do I toss out such outrageous accusations? Please, allow me to elaborate. This “driver” pulls his vehicle into a 2-lane entrance, but somehow misjudges the length/girth of his transport because he miraculously manages to ram the limo into a protruding branch of a nearby tree, thus shattering a window of his conveyance.

Now, as observant as we are as a group, not all of us immediately realize what has happened … some of us are busy talking or otherwise frivolously occupying our free-time. Nevertheless, we are an organization which is utterly dependant on good communication, so the news spreads faster than a fire in Brittany Spears Beverly Hills’ mansion. Suddenly, this Mensa-president has 240 wide-eyed gawkers watching his every move. What does he do next? Well, he ever so cleverly backs up the bus, missing the tree completely (I know! How did he hit the tree driving forward then?!?!), and parks along the adjacent curb. You could almost smell (or hear I guess) a collective inquiry of: “What the hell is he doing now?”

To our collective dismay, we do not wait long for the answer. Of course, you need to remember this incident took place on a military base. God and everyone else knows you cannot let such a horrific incident take place on a military installation and not respond appropriately! So, the guy parks the bus, and within the next few minutes, a firetruck shows up. Yep, a freakin’ firetruck! Out of the truck pour no less than 5 well equipped (haz-mat suited to boot!) firemen - much to the delight of the female audience I might add. They go investigate the “crime-scene” in full gear. I agree! Who would want to deal with that dangerous broken glass without a hazardous-material suit?!? The “gang” and I are figuring “Well, this is an Air Force base, so they do tend to overreact every now and then … readiness is important after all!” HA! Next thing we know, the Fire Chief himself is on the scene, soon followed by a police car … probably to administer the breath-a-lizer. I firmly believe I speak for us all when I say we were all waiting for the “stop – crime scene!” tape to go up!

Anyway, fortunately, or not, the Transportation department was able to demonstrate their incredible alacrity, and another bus was dispatched to our location. Before we could witness any further antics, we were whisked away to the presentation. Amazingly, the new driver was able to navigate the 2-lane entrance, doge not only the obnoxious tree, but SEVERAL emergency vehicles , and only break zero (0) windows! When I call him a super-human driver, I exaggerate only slightly … obviously!

Once we arrived we (and by “we” at this point, I am referring to the men … and any women with lesbian tendencies I guess) were pleased realize there were 2 (not 1, but 2!!) nubile females about to perform for our amusement. Don’t get me wrong … they were appropriately garbed … but they were slightly attractive nonetheless! They did their “thing” on 2 floor-to-ceiling feathery silk sleeves suspended by a clasp on the ceiling; and it was all done in good taste, albeit slightly odd considering the subject matter of the morning. I actually shed a tear during their performance! No, not because it was soooooo moving … I am no wimp! I shed a tear because I didn’t blink for 5 straight minutes!!! I found it very difficult to ignore their ever-so-sheer form-fitting attire.

Once the completely unattractive fems left the stage, at least we were able to concentrate on the subject matter at hand … or we would have been able to, had we been able to HEAR the speaker. Fortunately for us, the gentleman was a very dynamic speaker, so in retrospect, volume was not an issue. Between his gestures and my keenness, I was able to decipher every intonation. I then shared my edification with the rest of my comrades.

Lastly, we all signed-in, and we all got our colorful participation cards (which we sadly had to part with as we were required to turn them in to our training representatives). We then lined up for our intoxicating trip back to our collective exercise in bureaucracy. Again, we anticipated awaiting the next government provided transport. And again, luckily or not, we all made the very next limo!

We finally had some luck! Right? Nope! We were not so lucky after all. I was last in line, along with another coworker. Big deal; I don’t mind being last. However, as we got on the bus, err, into the limo, we could not help but notice 2 additional vacant seats were NOT available. Evidently, this predicament does not rank very highly on the catastrophe-scale for the gubment. As instructed by our chauffeur, we were not allowed to stand during the ride, so my coworker and I simply placed one “cheek” each on adjacent seats near the rear of the bus, with 2 other coworkers beside both of us on each adjoining bench, creating what I affectionately refer to as a 6-way, since I was the only male in the formation. By the way, if you are not aware, I will be more than happy to inform you as to the plight of dead sardines (upon request only however)! Luckily, the drive back to our place of employment lasted only about 5 minutes. Unfortunately, we had the driver who originally wrecked the bus! No, I am kidding … is it still April Fool’s day? We made it back safe-and-sound. Thank you trans-depot!!! Seriously!

After all the excitement of the day, we made our way back to our respective cubicles. Not to speak for my other coworkers, but my first email made me fall to the floor … to this day, I cannot recall if that fall was in laughter or in pain. Of what did my email inform me? The training we just attended was “FOR MILITARY PERSONNEL ONLY!”