Hello,

I feel certain it won’t take all of you super-intelligent readers to figure out this blog is not by my best servant, heee, heee, who I will refer to simply as “Mr.” No, that is not a type-o. I for one cannot understand a dang word Mr. or his woman servant, Mrs., says unless the word ends in “–ingo,” or something else that rhymes with Supreme Owner, Manager, Executive Ringo.

Anyway, enough of the introductions; I am the master, and that is all you need to know! But, I do let my servants use the new-fangled device they refer to as a computer-ingo. Fortunately, tonight Mr. did not bother to take the time to cancel his session, and I get to tell you all how everything really works!

First, I run this domain, and what I say goes. For example, here are my top 10 rules:

1. I am the owner of Mr. and Mrs., and it is NOT the other way around!
2. Whenever I want to go outside, I just have to say it once (or twice, or three times, but they always get the picture) and they come right down and let me out (because why should I have to open the door for myself?!?)
3. If it touches the floor, it belongs to me!
4. If the object fits in my mouth, it will be in my mouth, ASAP!
5. If something is in my mouth, these fools should recognize I ain’t lettin’ it go.
6. If my foot is in my bowl, then Mr. or Mrs. best fill up that bowl with the appropriate snack pretty darn quickly, or my foot will stamp that bowl again!
7. Just because I lost my cajones (through no fault of my own) does not mean I won’t hump your leg !
8. If you have a crotch or arse, then I am entitled to smell it; I WILL smell it; and only then will I decide if you are friend or foe!
9. Who am I kidding? If you let me smell your crotch, I’ll help you carry out the unnecessaries (furniture, televisions … or anything else not related to Mr. and/or Mrs. feeding me upon request) if you rob Mr. and Mrs. … heck, I might even accompany you!
10. I am always faithful to my pack (unless a new pack comes along).

Once you simple bipeds recognize who runs things, you and I will get along much better. For example, if you don’t do as I command, I might just conveniently stop forgetting to bark before you have to rent a steam cleaner.

But still, you all do need to learn to realize talent! It seems like every time I try to provide Mr. and Mrs. with a beautiful serenade (which they refer to as a bowel, or fowl, or howl … yeah, it must be howl), they yell at me! I am not sure exactly what they are saying, but the tone, well its just plain cruel! When am I ever so harsh with them?!? All I give is love.

ANYWAY, I have faith that they will learn my language soon enough; after all, I have put a lot of effort into learning theirs! I mean really, who else gives a stupid high-five just to get a simple treat which I obviously cannot reach on my own.

Maroons!