The Perils of Sleeping Together

No this is not some preachy entry to warn all the horn-dogs out there about the obvious hazards of private (and public in some cases – I imagine only of course) relations, such as increased risk of STDs, unplanned little pitter-patters around the house, having your partner fall in love when you just thought you were rehearsing for something better, etc. No, this is not that type of entry at all. This blog is to provide everyone out there fair warning about the more dangerous aspects of sharing a bed!

If you find yourself new to sharing a bed, one of your prime concerns may likely be hypothermia. Why? Well, from personal experience, I find women like to cover up while sleeping …. regardless of the detriment to their bed-mate. Countless times I used to awaken to find only the big toe on my right foot still under any type of cover. As I would glance over my shoulder, teeth chattering uncontrollably, I would see what appeared to be a giant cocoon, emitting waffs of steam; oddly enough, I had ice cycles dangling from my nose. But, luckily I live in Texas, so the ice cycles and corresponding sense of impending death by exposure were only present during the two-week cold front that blows through here once a year (what we South-Texans commonly refer to as Winter).

Now, for the more experienced partners, I would like to enumerate some of the less frequent, but equally exciting ways to be roused from a sweet dream or deep sleep:

1) The Karate Chop – lying peacefully, with my back to Tiffany, I began to feel something akin to a light message that grew exponentially in force and repetition. Soon, I had the sensation of lying in bed with a black belt, and I was the training post. After 2 operations to repair my spine, Tiffany vowed to be more careful.

2) The Running Man – this particular event is not quite so hazardous, unless you consider the potential of falling out of bed laughing and cracking your skull on the night stand. One cold night (while desperately trying to avoid the freezing hazard previously mentioned), my wife and I were “spooning.” Well, just as I am about to doze off, Tiffany suddenly gets the urge to run a full marathon in her sleep. Her little legs and arms start pumping furiously, just as if she were sprinting, only lying on her side. My words fail to sufficiently describe the hilarity of the situation, but suffice it say, whenever I feel sad, I just think of that evening, and it still brings a smile to my face!

3) T-Ball – before we got married, Tiff and I went to the batting cages a few times. Tiff would probably be the first to tell you she is not much of an athlete, but she swings a pretty mean bat. Unfortunately, on that fateful evening, my head must have resembled a soft-ball. Not once, not twice, but three freaking times, in rapid succession, I was struck in the skull by Tiff’s “bat,” which luckily for me was only her arms in this case. I only suffered a mild concussion, so recovery was not TOO strenuous.

4) The Freight Train – I think most people, even those who have not slept in the same bed with another human being, may be able to identify with this event. Almost nightly, I find myself dreaming, then the dream turns from one of pleasant thoughts to one of irritation (for example, an old man complaining loudly, someone chopping wood, someone banging loud drums, maybe even a freight train rolling by?). Well, of course, when I awaken, I find the real sound is nothing other than the snores of someone lying close to me. I wonder if that is what Eurythmics meant by Sweet Dreams?

I could probably go on, but I feel this sampling should provide sufficient edification to anyone considering taking up mutual sleeping arrangements. By the way, if you do feel the need for protection, I found this website VERY helpful: http://www.footballequipmentinfo.com/